All I need today is a little bit of Fighting Illini and a whole lot of Jesus shirt

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You experience terror at first. It’s panic. Adrenaline. Instinct. Reflex. Conscious thought takes the All I need today is a little bit of Fighting Illini and a whole lot of Jesus shirt but in fact I love this backseat to impulses. But as the dust settles- then you experience horror. First you taste blood. Then you cough up red flecks. Then more. Paramedics are here. So many hands, so many people. You realize exactly how fucked you are. Exactly how low your chances are. A jumpscare is terror. Fear is animal. The conscious thought that you are about to die and if you survive is almost entirely outside you control? That’s horror. Your brain fights between two trains of thought- the dichotomy of survival versus life. People say your life flashes before your eyes. It’s not entirely wrong. But it’s not like a slideshow of your memories. It’s only natural you reflect on who you were when you reach the end. It can be illuminating. It can give you a new perspective, a new lease on life, if you get to keep living it. In what feels like your final moments you make a whole new bucket list of regrets to correct, of things you never did but should have, of things you did but shouldn’t have.

All I need today is a little bit of Fighting Illini and a whole lot of Jesus shirt, hoodie, tank top, sweater and long sleeve t-shirt

The other half is screaming survival instincts. Every half-remembered medical fact that seems relevant. Every comparable historical account. Personally, I remembered two. First, the All I need today is a little bit of Fighting Illini and a whole lot of Jesus shirt but in fact I love this account of a swimmer who was attacked by a shark and lost his leg. He survived because he fought the adrenaline, slowed his heartrate, and prevented as much blood loss as possible. The other was the account of Teddy Roosevelt’s attempted assassination. “He correctly concluded that since he wasn’t coughing blood, the bullet had not reached his lung.” I was. I concluded I was fucked. That in seconds I would begin to drown in my own blood. How once that began my fate was essentially sealed. I decided deep breaths would open the wound in my lung and let in more blood, so I took shallower and shallower breaths until the edges of my vision blurred, until I inadvertently stopped breathing. I needed to be reminded to keep breathing. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It took so much effort that it felt like just making my chest rise was climbing a mountain. The frantic beats of my heart felt like a timer counting down in the back of my head. Bup. Bup. Bup. Sand slipping through my fingers. No idea how much time was left, only that I was losing it so very quickly.

1. Length is measured from the highest point on the collar down to the bottom hem. 2. Width is measured across the body of the shirt under the armpits, one way. 3. Sleeves are measured from center back to hem.